How to Kick Your Grown-up Child Out of the Home

Raising kids is expensive. It’s even more expensive when they grow up and won’t move out of the family home

In years gone by, adolescents might have dreamed of the day they could break free of the shackles of living with their parents to travel the world, get an apprenticeship, join the armed forces, move to a different city – perhaps for university, or something else. No longer.

These days, having a grown-up child living at home is reasonably common. In fact, one third of millennials are living with their parents. Cost of living pressures and the lingering social and financial fallout from lockdowns are part of the reason for this, resulting in many young adults struggling to leave the comforts of the family home. This is in stark contrast with previous generations. For many well-meaning parents, keeping their child at home (or even accepting them back as a ‘boomerang child’) means helping them to save money, study, manage a life transition, repay bad debts they’ve incurred, or find a job.

While this might be a wise short-term financial choice for the young adult, it can put pressure on the parents – particularly if they’re nearing retirement. Sometimes ironically, for the young adult it can also lead to dependency, a lack of self-esteem, waning motivation, and create a false sense of reality.

Kicking kids out of the family home may seem callous, but there’s a growing acknowledgement that young adults need to be financially responsible and independent. Add to this the benefits for the parents, which will probably include:

• A lower power bill,
• A lower water bill,
• A much lower food bill, and
• Probably being a better parent by encouraging more adult-like behaviour from the adult child. This includes maturity and self-reliance.

An extreme example of kicking an adult child “out of the nest” is the New York parents who won a legal battle to evict their 30 year old son after he refused to leave voluntarily. To avoid reaching that sort of extreme situation, here are some top tips on how to kick your grown-up child from the home:

1. Set Expectations Early

In the end, we need to teach our kids that accepting life’s responsibilities is much easier than trying to avoid them. Accepting responsibilities is all part of adulthood, and after all, isn’t the deepest aim of all parents to raise a happy, successful person who makes a positive impact on society?

Raising children to value the pride and self-satisfaction that comes from standing on their own two feet and provide for themselves is key. A practical step may be managing your children’s expectations while they’re adolescents, so they know when they leave high school, if they remain in the family home, they’ll be paying board or rent. Parents can also require that certain chores be completed, and specific job-seeking steps be performed.

Once your child or children have left home place limitations on your generosity as soon as possible –preferably before your boomerang child steps back through the door. For example, savvy parents can limit the time they'll allow their youngster to live at home again before they’re expected to leave the parents as an “empty nester”. After, say, six months, junior needs to have his or her own flat.

2. Enlist a Role Model, A Child-Whisperer

It’s no secret that many young adults don’t always heed the advice of their parents (and even older adults often don’t, too!). This is where enlisting a separate role model can be particularly effective in inspiring and motivating them to take steps towards independence. Role models can come in many forms, such as grandparents, older siblings, aunts or uncles, church or community members, neighbours, or family friends.

Grandparents can provide valuable insights and a sense of tradition, sharing stories of their own journeys to independence. Older siblings offer a relatable perspective and practical assistance from an unbiased position, making their advice more palatable. Aunts, uncles, and extended family members reinforce family-wide expectations and provide diverse viewpoints, enriching the young adult's understanding of independent living.

Community members like church leaders or coaches can introduce young adults to broader networks and opportunities. Neighbours or successful family friends serve as real-world examples of achieving independence and hard work, offering mentorship and networking opportunities.

By enlisting a diverse range of role models, parents can create a supportive network that encourages and motivates their adult children to take the necessary steps towards leaving home to establish their own independent lives.

3. Incentivise Them to Move Out

Dipping into your own pockets to help a youngster move out is a tough call to make. The “bank of mum and dad” is increasingly a go-to for cash-strapped young adults, however it often ends badly, and some say this “bank” has the highest default rate of all. In other words, sometimes loans to adult children are never repaid.

One option may be to set aside some of the rent or board your child has been paying to stay at home and give a portion of it back as a gift to cover a security deposit and new furniture at the child’s own flat or apartment.

Alternatively, the best way to assist kids often isn’t financially. Instead, it might be to link kids up with people that parents know in their chosen industry, to help them practice for job interviews, help them search for a flat, and generally pass-on other knowledge and insights.

Such incentives can be the “carrot” of the “carrot and stick” approach.

Related material:

• ‍Your adult kids that return home could financially ruin you‍
• The guide to make it work when adult children move back home‍
• Spend your kids’ inheritance

4. Make It a Little Uncomfortable if They Stay

While positive reinforcement is great, sometimes a little nudge is necessary. This is the “stick” to go with the “carrot” described above and should indirectly highlight the benefits of independence. Here's how:

1. House Rules with Teeth: Clearly defined expectations go a long way. Treat them as an adult by having a conversation about house rules. This could involve contributing to chores, respecting quiet hours, setting a budget for utilities they use, consequences for leaving a mess.
2. Proof of Progress: If job hunting is a hurdle, encourage them to actively show their effort. This could be sharing job applications, attending interviews, or taking relevant courses.
3. Boundaries for Comfort: Remember, it's your home. You can set boundaries which also nudge them towards independence. Consider a reasonable curfew or politely declining overnight guests for a while. This subtly communicates the need for their own space – where they won’t have such constraints.

The goal is to keep a loving family environment, but foster responsibility and prepare them for the real world.

5. Prevent Financial Dependence From Becoming a Habit

Letting your adult children stay rent-free might seem easier on your wallet now, but it can backfire later. Imagine your retirement savings dwindling because you're covering their rent or student loans in years to come.

The goal is to nudge children towards independence, not prop them up forever.  Start small: maybe they contribute to groceries or utilities.  Be clear that your long-term financial security is important, and you can't be their endless well. This will encourage them to budget and take responsibility for their own expenses, making the transition to living on their own smoother (and less stressful for everyone).

The Bottom Line: Your Guide to Kick Grown Children Out of the Home

Ripping the financial band aid off might sting, but it's the only way for your adult chick to learn to fly. Remember, an empty nest doesn't have to mean an empty heart.

The goal is to empower them to stand on their own two feet, not to leave them stranded. Your tough love today will pave the way for their self-reliance tomorrow, ensuring they can navigate adulthood confidently and independently.

So, take the leap and encourage them to spread their wings — your financial security and their future success depend on it.